Ever Present Curiosity

I like to stone.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Seriously how is it really to be in love?

Ha! I can already hear the sighs and the eyes rolling up, something I'd do myself. But seriously, even till this day, over 21 years of existance, and I have still yet to be able to confidently say that I know what love is or rather how it would feel.

Some people call the question useless, "it just is". Some say its the million dollar question, the quest for the elusively definite answer. Others say its the greatest feeling anyone can ever have but yet can't tell you what that feeling is. The answer varies from one person to another, as is the "feeling" each individual feels.

Fact is, arguing about what love is, is probably as stupid as trying to immitate Superman by jumping off the twin towers and thinking you can fly as long as you have the gear on, blue spandex complete with red underwear worn on the outside.

The years post graduation from secondary school have been nothing short of an eye opener. 1 month, 2 months, 4 months, and then a year later, you just realize how little you know of the outside world. The way I see it our country's education ministry really fail to teach the important things we need outside, love tops this list of things, despite the moral education we are given.

Compassion, being considerate, and etc. How do they show what is love in its entirety? It can't, compassion is but a facet of its entirety. Lets put it this way, love is as multi-faceted as a diamond, glorious sparkles reflecting light from different angles. That's just trying to put the concept into an analogy, I by no means claim to understand what it is.

Back when I first "discovered" the Internet. E-mail was the in thing, now I hardly use it anymore. Anyway, it was the trend then to forward tonnes of e-mails back, most of them meaningless. Some of them pretty insightful and some pretty cool to read, I love the random quotes I read all over, a constant reminder of my love for reading (something I havn't been able to do much till lately).

Digressing, there was this e-mail, that talked of how as we grow up, we view love differently and also of how we gradually change our opinion on who is lovable or not. I'll talk it from my point of view just for the sake of an example, and to rein in my thoughts a bit. I'll go as far back as I can remember which would be...the age of 6? To tell the truth I find memories to be a funny thing, you don't seem to remember much of it most of the time, just events and most of the time I find myself remembering the not too pleasant ones. Anyway this is not about memories.

When I was 6, all I was ever concerned of really, was toys. Yea toys, that I remember clearly. I'd probably have a new one every week, and dump it aside the next week. Of course eventually this got on my parents' nerves, and they stop buying them almost immediately at one point. As it goes nobody likes having their toys taken from them, something that applies to various things. As a kid I was pretty good at crying and whining, which also got on their nerves. Thinking back I'm really glad my parents didn't spoil me like my relatives did with my younger cousins. You know how annoyed I get with a 11 year old at home who still cries regularly?! Sometimes I wonder if I have managed to rein in my horrible temper a bit, and I'm tempted to say I have. Few years ago I'd just whack the kid and tell him to shut up, even though he ain't my brother. Now I just keep quiet and pretend its not my business.

So back then it was toys, the next few years nothing really interest me much, till I was 10 and I got my first gaming console. Sometimes I wonder if my grades would have stayed top notch like it was if I never started gaming or my intelligence that allowed me to afford to not study was only up to that level of education. I'd like to think the former is true, coupled with a bad whack on the head during that same year. You know how they say bumping your head makes you stupid? To be honest I never believed that, but for the sake of satisfying my ego I try to. Anyway gaming was my love then, I also loved reading, had been all my life. Just that it was an on and off thing, and I started with small encyclopedias and fairy tales (typical).

I outgrew gaming for awhile, the habit dying down a bit as I reach 12 or so, and my love of reading grew in earnest. I started reading novels 300 pages thick and more then, usually finishing within a day or two. Of course there were words I didn't understand, but I had English educated parents so it wasn't a problem. I devoured the mini collection of books my dad has at home, they're still there, old and worn out. When I reach 13, I was already looking to get new ones, something that eventually became hard to afford. New books became a luxury, with the sheer amount of goods series out there. One of the series I havn't been able to complete reading is the Deverry series by Katherine Kerr. *sigh*

Around the same time, I already had my first computer. An ancient pentium 1, which is in storage in my home. One thing I've always love is good strategy or RPG games, something my dad also liked. It was our staple topic of conversation, our means of parent-child bonding, something I lost along the way. What I'd give to get that connection back....The following years were pretty much the same. My core hobbies never change, with the exception of football which I started playin when I was 14+.

When did I start noticing girls? This is one thing that was really sudden. Thinking about it, at one point, to 手拉手 and walk into class with the girl paired up with you during assembly (a silly custom we had in school back in std 1) was suddenly no longer an option. But then thats wasn't really the trigger, it just gradually became something that is obvious, girls are different, and they certainly don't want to hold a boy's hand without proper reason. (I blame the media)

Moving on, I clearly remember the first day I started std 4. (a day filled with embarassing moments) I don't know what time of day it was, but it must have been before classes started. I was heading out to the toilet and caught sight of an angel! (so my 10 year old mind told me) I was stunned, literally, and the girl noticed. Needless to say things went downhill from there, I was never in the same class as her after that year, and all I was contented to do is stalk her from far. (10 year old and already a stalker! *gasp* So sue me >_>) So what was that? I never thought about it after I graduated, perhaps that was merely 'noticing' that girls were different, in many sense, after all opposites attract. (very true in the sense of guys to girls and vice versa, though that isn't entirely true anymore *sigh*)

Life was pretty plain the next few years, love wasn't a topic I seek to talk about or understand. I think I was form 4 when I started 'noticing' again that girls are really different. In many ways, biology did nothing to help, if anything it made my curiousity worse, and as we know curiousity killed the cat, which happens to be my innocence in this point of reference. Feelings came feelings go, but nothing much really happened. I never took action on them, and the one time I did, was the time I felt betrayed the most, though I was wrong for losing my temper during my "probation period". Someone wise once said, "jealousy can make you do things you'll never believe you would do". Of course it was nothing more than a bad temper tantrum but then again, it alone made girls stay away from me. Thinking about it, that probably was for the best, it was obvious I wasn't ready to be in a relationship then.

The years that followed were years of contemplation, I brooded a lot, and it certainly didn't help my reputation of being touchy and all. I'd go into spells where I just shut people out, hide in my room with the lights off and just let my mind wander. Hormones suck don't you think? Such is puberty and teenage, I'd probably list it as the toughest phase of my life, but then if there's one thing I learned its that life never gets any easier, well not till you die I suppose. Obviously years of brooding, interaction, and various experiences, showed me that everything up to that had been crushes and infatuations. This leads back to my original question, what is the real thing?

Just hours ago, we were all urging a friend to push for someone he liked. Sure it probably wasn't the time to move in or anything, like he said, but I'm a firm believer that if you don't do something, nothing will happen. Don't push it back to me, I don't have anyone in mind now. Besides, I don't think I'm boyfriend material, after all these years. I don't think I'd be able to spend much time on a girlfriend if I had one. Does that mean I'll be a bachelor for life? Maybe, maybe not. Right now, that prospect ain't looking too bad. Only time will tell, but I'm not holding my breath.

So seriously, what is love all about? How can someone accurately describe the feeling? I'd go with it being the million dollar question. One day some genius is going to write a book so inspirational, that speaks a million things about love and whatnot. That book will sell like hotcakes, just because so many people are starved of love. In the end, it'll probably just be another farce. Lets be honest, there wouldn't be love starved people on this planet if love was so easily defined.

Look at it this way, it gives you an avenue to earn millions. If you're an inspirational writer that is. For now, I'll stay with romantic-comedy anime, constantly thinking how it would feel to finally be in love, and look to the future (I guess).