Tired

Very, very tired. It's been two months since I've posted huh? Somehow it seems when I just dunno how to get on with work, blogging is the only way for any sort of words to appear; not like it's possible to get writer's block with blogs, right? (I think)

I have weekends off and I even took an extra long weekend just recently to get some needed rest. However, though my body got a good bit of rest, I still feel constantly lethargic. I have nigh-zero motivation for my work, and constantly having hardware failing on me is so tiring it's not even funny anymore or even fun to try and find out what's wrong. All there is, is the hassle of finding a solution and making sure the damn hardware works so I can take my hands and eyes off the it and get some other work done. Unfortunately my bosses don't think so, they think hardware testing is easy as pie and that every hardware is fault free so there's no need to sit on it to fix any problems because they don't exist.

I had a lecture recently which I didn't expect I would get. Through circumstances my workload for that month seemed exceptionally low, and that exception was taken to point out that I wasn't pulling my own weight in gold or silver or whatever you wanna call it. Was it my fault? I'm not foolish enough to dare say it's not my fault at all, but I certainly dare claim that circumstances this time were out of my control. Soon, I would have been working in my current company for a healthy amount of time and during this period of time I have contributed my fair share. Sure I may not churn out words faster than you can blink but I do what I have to. Is it really wrong of me to wish for more in return? It appalls me that programmers are getting paid almost twice I am, even though just a few years ago nobody wants to be a programmer due to the lousy pay (though in hindsight it's more likely due to the insane workload).

Do I really have to work like a dog just to get a little bit more for a tonne more effort? Do I really have to bow my head and hold my peace because this society operates entirely on money alone? There is no pride and honour, and from most perspective I'm considered a prideful and egoistic person so acting like a stupid meek dog to curry favour is something I will not tolerate. My pride will not allow it, but then the money factor is thrown at your face. Fact is I came into line of work expecting a straight punch, but I got a right hook along with a left uppercut. To say that I have been naive is beyond understatement.

I don't think I can last long. There's no where else I can go, but I might not even be given the chance to remain. I may sound paranoid but after what I have experienced, I think the possibility is there. I was hoping to be able to save up enough to start something up with some friends some day, but I can't really see it happening in the next 5 years at this rate. In conclusion, life sucks hard, it really does. Not that I don't know that already. *sigh*

Sleep, oh blissful sleep

It's ironic how nowadays we have the term "catch up to my sleeping" or something similar. Has sleep become so scarce that it no longer comes to us naturally but runs away so that we have to actually 'catch up' to it? The answer is kinda obvious though: many of us spurn sleep for the sake of having just those few hours of extra time to do the various things we want or need to do.

The situation is not ideal for many, to say the least. When one should be deep in sleep to recuperate from a rough and hectic day at work, we are instead up and about doing our own things that we couldn't do because most of our time is occupied with being at work or in the office. Fact is, many of us also realize how unhealthy such sleeping habits are but we persist and thus we often fall sick. Yes, not getting enough rest and sleep can cause you to be sick. Headaches and migraines are common when one lacks sleep, and at times even fevers; I'll personally testify to that.

Way into 1am in the morning, I'll be doing anything but sleeping and that is really bad sometimes since I get headaches so often (it's gotten better nowadays). Can I stop doing that? Not really. I've got so many things I wanna do and the only way I'll be able to is sleep late. Am I gonna do anything about it? Nah...I'll probably stick to "catching up with my sleep" on weekends.

wtf am i doing?!

*looks at title* The hell I know what I'm doing! I'm killing my own chances that's what! I'm obviously a non-choice here! Now someone give me a fucking good kick in the behind so I'll stop pining for the impossible.

BLARGH! FRUSTRATING! HEART ACHING! *breaths*

100!

Another emo post here. I've got so many on my mind that I need to let out and facebook ain't a good idea. I have so many emotions swimming in my head lately so much so I feel like I'm about to go nuts.

Where to start? If you remember my last post, I said I've become attracted to someone I know I shouldn't. But emotions are such a dangerous things, it makes you do things you don't want to. I still haven't sort out this dangerous can of worm yet and another problem arises.

I've stopped believing in religion a few years ago, as I'm sure I've told a few before. All it does is make me confused and when I'm confused I get frustrated and angry. I need to go off-track a bit here before I proceed. Many would know of me as a very complicated person; not exactly the right word but I'm kinda at a lost of words now so it'll suffice. I look quiet and timid but I can become very confrontational under certain circumstances. Often I look bored and uninterested but then I'll laugh at something random at the drop of a hat.

In many ways, I feel like a hypocrite. I don't seem to have a dominant personality or characteristic. At least not from my own point of view; it's often hard to look inwards and understand yourself. But regardless of what, I'm quite sure that I'm one very willful and opinionated jerk. I wanna do things the way I want to and I wanna live my life the way I want to. However, religion doesn't allow that. I must do this, do that, obey this, surrender my whole life, give of my self without expecting anything in return, and the list goes on.

All I feel is that I'm restricted and tied down. I can't mix with people who might really be wonderful people because they are 'unbelievers' or 'sinners'. I must obey without thinking like a robot and give up a portion of my income 1st and foremost before I get to use it to pay my bills. Let's not forget that other than bills I have to eat and save money monthly; I won't even talk about my needs as priority. I must adhere to a book that has more interpretation and versions than you'd care to count, with equal amount of beliefs and denominations, because if I don't I'd go to 'hell'. The worst thing of all these is I have parents who believes it's imperative that our lives be governed and surrendered to a supposedly existing deity who some people apparently can 'see' or 'hear'. Guess what I call people who can hear and see something that doesn't exist?

But family is family. My parents brought me into this world and they raised me up to who I am today, regardless of the fact that I'm not the best person around, whether physically or mentally or whatever. It makes me angry and above all it makes me sad that me and my parents can no longer seem to understand each other. Perhaps many of us asians need to break out of the "keep the silence" habit, and really hammer things out with our parents. But we hold back because we know we can't change their mind and we don't try to change that.

I don't wanna be tied down like that, yet I can't tell my parents that they should see things my way. Ultimately I believe every individual has a choice to make and I've made the choice of not believing in the nonsense known as religion. But it pains me. I didn't even realize it until today. Me and my parents, we just don't seem to understand each other anymore. If you ask me how my parents are like, I won't be able to answer immediately and when I do it won't be the complete story; the same goes for them when it comes to me. Why? Simply because we don't know the complete story. We just don't understand one another and that makes me realize how dysfunctional a family we have become.

I'm in pain and I despair. Perhaps my parents realize that I'm not like them but I'm not sure if they realize the extend of how different our believes are. They are firm believers and I'm what many believers call a "horrible sinner". My life is a mess. I fall for someone I shouldn't and who would readily reject me. I fail to be on good terms with my parents and my brother. What can I do? I dunno anymore. I don't know what the future holds. I can't believe in blind faith and wait on a deity that doesn't exist. So what do I do? What can I do with this life? How can I tell my parents that we have vastly different beliefs and not break their heart?

Emotions are dangerous. Religion is treacherous. But above everything else...I think we human beings are the cause of all our own problems and too often, all too often, we can't do shit about it.

Just one more post...

Before I hit 100, after like what? 3 years? Most of my old blogs died in a few months, this one managed to keep its head above the water for quite awhile now.

Anyway, I'm only posting because I've got stuff to get off my chest (as usual) and posting on facebook is not a smart idea; nor feasible, in hindsight. I've been thinking about the phrase "opposites attract" for the past 2 days. Personally, I've always felt that line isn't entirely true. Attraction in itself is very subjective, and some people only get attracted to people who are on the same 'wavelength' as they are. But when you analyze the phrase it actually makes a lot of sense; some people are attracted to others who are totally their opposites. Why? One theory is that because they actually find themselves lacking, or don't really like their own selves. They look for someone different from them, to drag them out of their morbid lifestyles perhaps, or to bring them down to Earth. When you think about it, there's just too many possibilities.

"What's your type?" is an often asked question, and in truth it never stays the same for most. In some cases, one may be attracted to different types of people, simply meaning that they appreciate different qualities in a person. Is that how two-timing comes about? Well, I rather not answer that question. It'll seem like I'm making an excuse for the two-timers out there. What's my type? A few I suppose. I've always thought that I'd prefer a girl who is quiet and smart, yet cute at the same time. Further back in secondary school, I had a list of requirement that would never have been fulfilled by any person in this world.

In my defense, everyone would wish for the perfect gf/bf at one time in their life, no? After my failure earlier this year, I've come to realize that the quiet type may not be the one for me. After all, if we both suck at talking and communicating, it wouldn't be much of a relationship would it? Besides, she didn't have the smarts and intelligence that I appreciate in girls. In short, I despise airheads, and she is quite close to being one.

Then I thought, maybe an outgoing girl with street and book smarts would be more attractive. To be honest, it does seem that way. For one, she'd knock me out of occasional 'black moods'; I call them my personal version of PMS, minus the menstruation and pains, with very erratic life cycles. Two, she'd help me make more friends in a day than I would be able to in a year. Three, she'd help me get into things I'd never try and get me to enjoy doing it (I think. I'll probably draw a line somewhere). Four, she'll be doing all the work while I lay down and enjoy the ri- *shot in the head with a magnum*

*revives* Ahem! Went astray for a bit there... Anyway, I won't say this is THE type that I like but A type of girl I've come to like. However! But! しかし！Tetapi! [insert whatever language here] How do I even woo and approach girls like them? This type of girl will usually be so outgoing they are all over the place. They love hanging out with people and making new friends so they wouldn't want a gloomy looking nerd tagging behind them. The fact is, how difficult it is for certain types of 'opposites' to attract each other! It almost seems as if there's a higher percentage for things to be one-sided.

*pauses* I guess I'm long winded as usual. I've even sidetracked; the original reason I felt like blogging was because I had a problem gnawing at the back of my mind. I've realized after so many years that I still dunno what people feel when they take the plunge to confess to another. Is it merely a crush or something more? A crush can also evolve to that something more, no? But I suppose that is only if they get to know the person more. What constitute a 'crush', 'affection', or even 'love'? Do those fairy tale and romance novel kind of relationships even exist in real life? I have so many queries, but no answer.

*another pause* What? You are amazed at how curious I can be at weird and overly philosophical matters? Hello~~what's the title of my blog? It's the way I'm wired. *shrugs* As I was saying, all I've ever felt was what people always tell me is "just a crush" so I can clearly tell when that's all it is. Lo and behold I now have another crush! Bad news it is, I say! You ask why. For the simple reason that I know that this will just not work out. There's a line here, one I will not cross.

Which brings to mind another question, "what is a relationship that is more than just friendship, but not exactly to the next level?" Or to put it more accurately, if I were to only go for something more than just friendship but keep myself in check and know where the lines are, what do you call a relationship like that and is it ok? Deep down I know the answer for the latter is a resounding no, that's why I dare not ask her about it.

What do you do when someone is just that way, very friendly, and you just happen to get charmed that easily? That person is just being extra friendly because they have grown to be comfortable with you but definitely don't think of you that way. Next comes the bummer: that person is attached! All I can do is just shake my head and hope these unhealthy feelings are gone with time.

It's been awhile since I've been as long winded as this but I feel I really needed an outlet, even if it doesn't really help alleviate the problem/issue. Hopefully, my cold and logical analysis here will remain and remind me that these feelings are only momentary and fleeting. I mustn't do anything that will destroy our friendship, or cause something irreparable to happen; I'll only suffer from it. For now, I really need to concentrate on work and hopefully start to get things done tomorrow.

Musings number I-lost-count

I'm beginning to see a weird pattern to my blogging style. Ok not really pattern, more like timing? Every month, there's a time when I just get in the mood to blog, or really it's probably me realizing that I neglect my blog too much and out of some weird obligation I try to blog once in awhile.

It's amazing when you think about it, this blog has been up for years and yet I haven't even posted more than 100 times (this is the 98th post). Looking back, you can't help but wonder what you really did with your time. Sometimes it feels as if I've gone through 24 years of living without really doing anything; not having any major accomplishments in life affects you that way, probably. Time, time, time; you hear me talking about it all the time (no pun intended). After awhile, people start to think I'm some old geezer in a young adult's body.

I recall the days when I was a gamer in a private dota server and all the net friends I've made, some of whom are my close friends in real life today. I can only marvel at it. Years ago, my parents once asked me what's so fun about chatting online with people I've never met and might never meet in real life. I couldn't really answer it then but to me, it just felt great to make friends online you can connect with despite never meeting. Of course, it came a time when we did meet up, and the rest is history. I've known EdeNz (or Sau Ken, for some reason I still call him Edenz, though he calls me by name) for years, since the early days when we were both dota freaks. Discussing tactics and strategies were all we did, along with all the other nonsense we cook up now and then. Today, he's dating a girl who was also a gamer we got to know during our time there. I dare you to tell me "it's not possible to make friends through the Internet". In case you are wondering, they've been steady for what? 3 years or so?

Lots of things have been happening in the office, many of it bad. One of the things time has hopefully done for me (I'm not so sure though) is that I have toned down on many things. I still have a temper, but I don't blow up anymore and I try to be as careful with my words as I can, though I never know if I may have offended anyone. I'm still emo, whiney at times and complain a lot. But I clearly know when to put a stop to it and even if I don't, it seems there will be 1-2 people who will smack me on the head when I have to stop; friends like that are way better than the ones who are hypocrites and always tell you that it's "alright".

Well, the fact doesn't change that I'm a geeky kinda guy with bad social skills and I still don't have a girlfriend. When it comes to this, I dunno whether I should feel chagrined or just shake my head and continue to way I am; if I pick the latter, chances are my mum's not gonna have any grandchildren till my brother decides to make one for her (crude as that may sound).

Part of what I've really been thinking for awhile now is: where do I go from here? I've whined about my work condition, you've heard it and are probably sick of it. But it's kinda like the Strea- I mean Shitmyx situation. You wanna get out, but it is currently the best of the worst. It's still bad, gives you migraines, and makes you wanna invent new swear words other than the proverbial variation of the F word, but in the end it's the best of the lot. Oh, the irony. *puts hand to forehead and feigns dizziness*

Drama aside, I've been replaying the FSN visual novel from the beginning again now that I managed to add the Realta Nua voice patch to it. Having voice added in is a real bonus and really adds a new dimension to the experience. Love Ueda Kana's voice as usual, and Sugiyama Noriaki is uber GAR (yes, even more so than GARcher). Now if only certain scenes had voice added in as well. :P *wink wink*

Now that I've done my somewhat-obligated-monthly-post, I'll continue on my journey in the world of Fate Stay/Night. :3 Abayo~

"Everyone grows up", so the saying goes. In reality, I think some people just don't or perhaps they simply refused to. However, most comment or look at this from a negative perspective, which is really a prejudiced opinion. For example, "so and so is really immature, he/she needs to grow up." While this may be the case for some, it simply isn't true for everyone.

Why am I harping on this? Because I suppose I see myself in that way and am kinda conflicted now. I've got comments that I'm a lot different from my school days, but me being me I don't really see the changes. The other reason is because I have people commenting like "you still play games and watch 'cartoons'?" followed by comments on how childish it is and that I should grow up and work hard to make money or whatever. Really, "old" doesn't begin to describe their mentality, "ancient" would be a more accurate word.

*sigh* Looking at this, I haven't blog in quite a bit. I like the fact that my blog doesn't really have much readers (if any at all) and that's a good thing; I get to rant and to sort of "talk" to myself. In a way I guess it helps me sort out my thoughts easier. Not that it ever helps with the countless problems in life but hey at least I can look back some day and read about these issues I had to go through and hopefully reflect on how I managed to get out of it or overcome it. Me being positive now eh? That's so not me I guess. I may not be as bad as Zetsubou Sensei's Itoshiki Nozomu, but I admit I'm quite the negative guy.

Things haven't been ideal, one of the reasons why I really feel like I need a change. For one, I got into a bit of a problem recently that once more highlighted how shitty the media industry in this country can be. When vendors try to force you to shower them with praises they don't deserve, I'm sure you'll start feeling disillusioned like I am right now. Why is it different from other countries? Because other magazines in other countries simply do not need advertisers for their mag to survive, the popular ones that of course.

So what do I mean? You've noted my other complains about my job before, like the low pay for increasing workloads and me realizing that I don't really seem to be going anywhere. Yesterday, I was looking around at Lowyat's pricelists again, trying to balance a good PC rig with reasonable prices for all categories I want. Results is the budget worked out to be close to RM7k, which is money I definitely do not have. Add to the fact that I have more and more things to pay nowadays as well as a lot of things I really want to get, the conclusion is simple: I need a different job with a higher pay. That or I need to get more merc jobs. To summarize things, I want a certain lifestyle and fact is in this time and age lifestyle=money.

Of course, it's not just all about what I want and the lifestyle I desire, there are necessities as well. What necessities? Not urgent at the moment, as with everything else I WANT. But what I would eventually NEED is my own house and my own car. I came up with a very rough and random estimation for the salary range I need to be in to be able to get all these stuff before I'm 30, it should be at least RM5,000/month, or a net salary of (minus EPF and all that mandatory stuff) RM4,500. Wow, that's a shit load of money that I can never imagine myself ever having.

Still, you want lifestyle? You want to live alone without your parents bugging you about church and all that nonsense? Well, fork out the cash and then society will talk with you.