Ever Present Curiosity

I like to stone.

Friday, September 04, 2009

100!

Another emo post here. I've got so many on my mind that I need to let out and facebook ain't a good idea. I have so many emotions swimming in my head lately so much so I feel like I'm about to go nuts.

Where to start? If you remember my last post, I said I've become attracted to someone I know I shouldn't. But emotions are such a dangerous things, it makes you do things you don't want to. I still haven't sort out this dangerous can of worm yet and another problem arises.

I've stopped believing in religion a few years ago, as I'm sure I've told a few before. All it does is make me confused and when I'm confused I get frustrated and angry. I need to go off-track a bit here before I proceed. Many would know of me as a very complicated person; not exactly the right word but I'm kinda at a lost of words now so it'll suffice. I look quiet and timid but I can become very confrontational under certain circumstances. Often I look bored and uninterested but then I'll laugh at something random at the drop of a hat.

In many ways, I feel like a hypocrite. I don't seem to have a dominant personality or characteristic. At least not from my own point of view; it's often hard to look inwards and understand yourself. But regardless of what, I'm quite sure that I'm one very willful and opinionated jerk. I wanna do things the way I want to and I wanna live my life the way I want to. However, religion doesn't allow that. I must do this, do that, obey this, surrender my whole life, give of my self without expecting anything in return, and the list goes on.

All I feel is that I'm restricted and tied down. I can't mix with people who might really be wonderful people because they are 'unbelievers' or 'sinners'. I must obey without thinking like a robot and give up a portion of my income 1st and foremost before I get to use it to pay my bills. Let's not forget that other than bills I have to eat and save money monthly; I won't even talk about my needs as priority. I must adhere to a book that has more interpretation and versions than you'd care to count, with equal amount of beliefs and denominations, because if I don't I'd go to 'hell'. The worst thing of all these is I have parents who believes it's imperative that our lives be governed and surrendered to a supposedly existing deity who some people apparently can 'see' or 'hear'. Guess what I call people who can hear and see something that doesn't exist?

But family is family. My parents brought me into this world and they raised me up to who I am today, regardless of the fact that I'm not the best person around, whether physically or mentally or whatever. It makes me angry and above all it makes me sad that me and my parents can no longer seem to understand each other. Perhaps many of us asians need to break out of the "keep the silence" habit, and really hammer things out with our parents. But we hold back because we know we can't change their mind and we don't try to change that.

I don't wanna be tied down like that, yet I can't tell my parents that they should see things my way. Ultimately I believe every individual has a choice to make and I've made the choice of not believing in the nonsense known as religion. But it pains me. I didn't even realize it until today. Me and my parents, we just don't seem to understand each other anymore. If you ask me how my parents are like, I won't be able to answer immediately and when I do it won't be the complete story; the same goes for them when it comes to me. Why? Simply because we don't know the complete story. We just don't understand one another and that makes me realize how dysfunctional a family we have become.

I'm in pain and I despair. Perhaps my parents realize that I'm not like them but I'm not sure if they realize the extend of how different our believes are. They are firm believers and I'm what many believers call a "horrible sinner". My life is a mess. I fall for someone I shouldn't and who would readily reject me. I fail to be on good terms with my parents and my brother. What can I do? I dunno anymore. I don't know what the future holds. I can't believe in blind faith and wait on a deity that doesn't exist. So what do I do? What can I do with this life? How can I tell my parents that we have vastly different beliefs and not break their heart?

Emotions are dangerous. Religion is treacherous. But above everything else...I think we human beings are the cause of all our own problems and too often, all too often, we can't do shit about it.

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