Tired

Very, very tired. It's been two months since I've posted huh? Somehow it seems when I just dunno how to get on with work, blogging is the only way for any sort of words to appear; not like it's possible to get writer's block with blogs, right? (I think)

I have weekends off and I even took an extra long weekend just recently to get some needed rest. However, though my body got a good bit of rest, I still feel constantly lethargic. I have nigh-zero motivation for my work, and constantly having hardware failing on me is so tiring it's not even funny anymore or even fun to try and find out what's wrong. All there is, is the hassle of finding a solution and making sure the damn hardware works so I can take my hands and eyes off the it and get some other work done. Unfortunately my bosses don't think so, they think hardware testing is easy as pie and that every hardware is fault free so there's no need to sit on it to fix any problems because they don't exist.

I had a lecture recently which I didn't expect I would get. Through circumstances my workload for that month seemed exceptionally low, and that exception was taken to point out that I wasn't pulling my own weight in gold or silver or whatever you wanna call it. Was it my fault? I'm not foolish enough to dare say it's not my fault at all, but I certainly dare claim that circumstances this time were out of my control. Soon, I would have been working in my current company for a healthy amount of time and during this period of time I have contributed my fair share. Sure I may not churn out words faster than you can blink but I do what I have to. Is it really wrong of me to wish for more in return? It appalls me that programmers are getting paid almost twice I am, even though just a few years ago nobody wants to be a programmer due to the lousy pay (though in hindsight it's more likely due to the insane workload).

Do I really have to work like a dog just to get a little bit more for a tonne more effort? Do I really have to bow my head and hold my peace because this society operates entirely on money alone? There is no pride and honour, and from most perspective I'm considered a prideful and egoistic person so acting like a stupid meek dog to curry favour is something I will not tolerate. My pride will not allow it, but then the money factor is thrown at your face. Fact is I came into line of work expecting a straight punch, but I got a right hook along with a left uppercut. To say that I have been naive is beyond understatement.

I don't think I can last long. There's no where else I can go, but I might not even be given the chance to remain. I may sound paranoid but after what I have experienced, I think the possibility is there. I was hoping to be able to save up enough to start something up with some friends some day, but I can't really see it happening in the next 5 years at this rate. In conclusion, life sucks hard, it really does. Not that I don't know that already. *sigh*