Helpless
The due date fast approaches, and I'm still struggling to complete the last part of my system. I'm starting to panic, fear grips my soul, and terror has taken a hold of my heart. The feeling deep down, that this is it. The money spent on my education, is looking like the worst investment on anyone's part, for the sole reason of the consequences of my choices.
My face burns with shame at my inability, my pride sullied by none other than my own helplessness, my confidence rattled by the brutal passage of time, all which have done nothing but to emphasize how monumental changes come with choices you have never deemed to follow through properly.
I won't be the first, nor be the last, to taste that griping fear, to feel as if an evil entity has snaked its hand around my heart. Squeezing, tormenting, eliciting terror most profound. It draws the air from my lungs, and fills it with that which poisons me, the poison known as cruel reality. When all one can do is stare on in uncertainty even as time draws close, what then?
If the reversal of the passage of time ever be permitted, more so than ever, I would have desired to start over. So strong, is my regret. I must see the cruelty that my decisions have wroth. For what I see, is that the negatives have long tip the balance. If possible, may this life had not exist, that I not shame my parents with my incompetence. If God ever exists, this is my fervent wish. However, the soul that has been betrayed, shall no longer be so easily fooled.
I must survive the consequences of my own attitude and choices, I must bear the burden of my own uselessness, I must pay the price for my lack of drive and believe. It is now all inevitable, I can only salvage what I can. Should I be successful in salvaging whatever I can to carve a path to a future that I desire, it shall be my greatest achievement in life. But for now that which I have foreseen years ago, was never what I wanted.
I only wish to be able to survive in life, and continue to do what I've always liked to do best. But when all is said and done, no one can grant any wishes...but those who dare wish and dream themselves. That is, the poison that is the cruel reality of this word. Dreams and wishes exist, fairy tales...don't.
My face burns with shame at my inability, my pride sullied by none other than my own helplessness, my confidence rattled by the brutal passage of time, all which have done nothing but to emphasize how monumental changes come with choices you have never deemed to follow through properly.
I won't be the first, nor be the last, to taste that griping fear, to feel as if an evil entity has snaked its hand around my heart. Squeezing, tormenting, eliciting terror most profound. It draws the air from my lungs, and fills it with that which poisons me, the poison known as cruel reality. When all one can do is stare on in uncertainty even as time draws close, what then?
If the reversal of the passage of time ever be permitted, more so than ever, I would have desired to start over. So strong, is my regret. I must see the cruelty that my decisions have wroth. For what I see, is that the negatives have long tip the balance. If possible, may this life had not exist, that I not shame my parents with my incompetence. If God ever exists, this is my fervent wish. However, the soul that has been betrayed, shall no longer be so easily fooled.
I must survive the consequences of my own attitude and choices, I must bear the burden of my own uselessness, I must pay the price for my lack of drive and believe. It is now all inevitable, I can only salvage what I can. Should I be successful in salvaging whatever I can to carve a path to a future that I desire, it shall be my greatest achievement in life. But for now that which I have foreseen years ago, was never what I wanted.
I only wish to be able to survive in life, and continue to do what I've always liked to do best. But when all is said and done, no one can grant any wishes...but those who dare wish and dream themselves. That is, the poison that is the cruel reality of this word. Dreams and wishes exist, fairy tales...don't.
posted by UltimaHunter @ 1:54 AM
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