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First thing you'll note is that I don't have a title for this post. But seriously, who reads the titles anyway? I really should stop racking my brains trying to think of titles for my blog posts when I really don't have a central theme of discussion for a particular post.

I find myself really lost and confused recently, and I seem to be have a lot contradicting thoughts and behavior lately. I wake up everyday going "what shall I do today?", not really having an answer to that but yet always end up having something to do anyway. I would be on my PS2 for 4-5 hours in the afternoon (since that's when I actually wake up), then on my computer for the rest of the night till early morning the next around 4-6am (varies everyday). Unhealthy it may seem to many but this has already become a habit for me, a routine even. Its probably not the most productive thing to do, but then there really isn't much else I could do.

The funny thing is I actually have a lot more activities that I want to do but I really don't have that much time on my hands. Really makes one realize how 24 hours a day just doesn't cut it, at least not for me. I've been reading a lot of stuff lately, picking up some of the old books (because I couldn't afford new ones) from the bookshelf in my home and rereading them for the Nth time, or even mangas (comics for you clueless people out there who are ignorant of the beauty of Japanese culture *biased opinion*). I try to absorb concepts, ideas, and to improve my writing and vocabulary as much as I can, in preparation for something I can do during the boring work hours that will soon invade my life (oh the horror!). Why would I wanna improve my writing? Why else? I certainly hope my readers aren't as clueless as that, but then again, a certain fruit can be pretty clueless (inside thing, ignore if you don't understand).

Then there's all the games which I have had piled up throughout the year, not managing to finish many of them. But the thing is I've spent the last month solely on Tales of the Abyss alone. I'm currently on my second play-through, and am considering a third, though the more I think about it I probably shouldn't, or even if I do, not to blaze through it and actually finish up the other games I have piled up. I might just give up on some of them, like FFX-2 urgh... If I do move on to the other games, I suppose Odin Sphere would take higher priority than the rest due to the fascinating storyline.

Here's a hint if you ever think of buying PS2 (or PS3 in the future :P) games for me, I prize a game's storyline over anything else, next comes the gameplay. Without a good balance of these 2, I'd probably give up the game real fast, prime example being FF12, the first FF game that I gave up on before 5 hours even passed. Next would be FF10, which I gave up on 30+ hours because I couldn't stand not being able to complete all the side quests but if I want to it will take over 100+ hours. That being said if you ever consider buying me games, make it a PS3 one. I plan to save up money once I start working to get one, seeing how FF13 and Disgaea 3 will be released next year, among many others. *hint hint* I'd probably even get a PSP if I find the night shifts for my job boring.

Moving on, I suppose that overall holidays have been pretty uneventful for me. Other than the 2 gatherings, nothing much has been happening. On that note, I think I did pretty well as an organizer for the gathering at sunway pyramid, minus the fact that the outlet I ended up choosing wasn't really that satisfactory, in many ways. Argh...*rolls eyes in disgusts* I've had hope that holiday would go on longer, but some people just won't leave my alone about me bumming, and after some things that happened I feel that I have to secure myself a job somehow.

Its a really complicated feeling really, and I don't understand it myself. How do I explain why I feel I must get a job no matter what? Perhaps I fear that when the last and final grading for my degree is released, it would be difficult for me to get a job if I can't even get at least a 2nd lower honours? *shrugs* I've long since given up on succeeding academically to be honest, keep it quiet though. Some people don't need to know this, they just don't understand why some people don't want to aim for the top. Its ironic how many people I know acknowledge me as an intelligent person, but somehow I never really do well academically. "What good is all that intellect if you don't make full use of it?" is what I hear many people tell me. Unfortunately I don't really find myself obligated to answer questions like that, since the answer is pretty much non-existent as far as I'm concerned.

If you really want to know, I suppose you can't really say I'm not making use of my intellect. The truth is that I just don't seem to want to use it academically. Or lets be honest here, I hate studying, I hate academics, bottom line is I become lazy when studying is involved (with exceptions). I study what I like enthusiastically but tend to despise what stresses my brain any more than it should with a passion so zealous its almost holy. I try to puzzle out nonsensical questions, puzzles, philosophy more than why a particular line of programming code doesn't work. In fact on that note about programming, now that I don't have to study about it anymore, I'm going to avoid it like the plague. Please go away if you feel the sudden horrifying urge to blab about incomprehensible lines of Greek in front of me, I'll like you better.

I can spend an hour going into the details about why I hate studying, and I'll probably veer off topic or expand on it too much so I'll digress. Stories have always been my main source of entertainment, and how it can be presented in so many ways really brings a smile to my face at times. Many times, these stories give me much knowledge and insight, as well as providing me a lot of food for thought. Among them came this question, which goes something like "are you happy with where you stand now?" Intriguing really, and perhaps even a bit vague sometimes if you don't consider a few things. Firstly, do I know and realize I'm happy? Perhaps I don't. I might not feel anything or I might be incapable of being satisfied or be happy with life easily. Do I know where I stand now? To be honest I'm not sure.

Next comes this question, "where are you headed to next?" The way I see it, in life we constantly need to ask ourselves this 2 questions. However I would want to say that you may not be happy where you are but the harsh fact of life is this, the directions may vary, but they don't include one that goes back. Each new choice can be crucial and life changing, and you'll never really know what lies ahead, which is why its always good to stop and take a good look rather than risk running headlong into a brick wall and jump into a frying pan. One quote I've learned is this "the reason we have eyes on the front of our heads, is so that we can look ahead". This is a painful lesson that I've come to understand for this past year. I realized too many things too late, at and age where people are calling me an adult. So for one thing, I detest those secondary school brats who think they're really very matured when they haven't even seen enough of the world. But who am I to judge? I didn't understand life's important lessons until I was midway through my 21st year, so I'm in no real position to comment. However I'll say this much, never claim that you are more mature, it'll just make you feel foolish one day. That, I can guarantee.

Continuing where I left off, I really have no idea if I'm happy the way I am. Sure there are fun moments, happy moments. But for the past 5 years, I wasn't capable of sitting down and telling myself "life is good and I can't be more satisfied and happy than this" with a smile on my face. I suppose this is what you call a transitional period from school life into the adult world. You get constantly bombarded with changes, every time you feel like you've got a firm grip on reality and think you've got everything down pat, something else in your life changes and you are forced to adapt once more.

Life just doesn't seem to be geared to give people a lot of fun when you think hard about it. Of course that's seeing it pessimistically, which I know I tend to do. To put it simply, life isn't being fun enough or happy enough, to drown out the uncertainties and unhappiness. At least, not for me. I'm sure at this point someone is gonna say "shut up and quit whining" *shrugs*. Whining you say? Not really, I accept them as what they are. That doesn't make me a whiner. Besides, I've learned to ignore comments from others. It just works better that way.

When talking about direction, the next one I should consider of course is where I want to go in my working life. Holidays haven't been entirely fun when all your parents do everyday is nag at you to get a job. I suppose in a way its not a bad thing, it gives you a sense of urgency. However I've learned that I shouldn't jump headlong into pit, so I've been biding my time. Its a pain though when your parents don't like it and make a big hoohaa about it all. *sigh* What a pain... Still I applied a job earlier this week, lo and behold mere hours later I received an email asking me to go for an interview the very next day.

Now I've heard that with the advent of online recruitments interviews and stuff happen a lot faster than how it use to be when you write in your applications on actual mail and have to wait for the reply, but this is ridiculous! So the next day, with much worry and fear in my heart I set out to attend my very first job interview. I actually almost got late by the way, because I actually forgot to take down the address of the place and properly make sure I knew how to get there. Fortunately I had the phone number of the company, and a call helped me get there with time to spare. *phew* By then I could taste fear so palpable that even the other employees there must have noticed. You know, the routine chest feels heavy, hard to breath, heart pounding, and mouth gets dry no matter how much water you drink.

To be honest, I actually went to the interview quite certain and hoping I'd not make it. If only to give me peace of mind for awhile longer by bumming at home. But unexpectedly I was accepted, and they even wondered if I could start the next day. Whoa now things were getting seriously ridiculous. Apply day one, interview day 2, and start work day 3? Furthermore it seemed as if its an ideal job for a fresh graduate, not too much requirements, not a hard job, convenient location. I didn't like it somehow, but I found I couldn't refuse.

I still have to wait for the offer letter and stuff, so its not official yet, and despite the fact I haven't even tried other companies I feel I should just go with the flow again this time. Still, I did the same once when I was deciding the course I wanted to study, so I'm really quite concerned here. I dunno, I'm really not sure about it, but something tells me to just go with it. Isn't that strange? And the salary isn't really a lot too, plus I'd have to work on shifts, with it not being fixed either. I guess there goes my plan for taking part time Japanese classes. My job would probably get in the way, and if I get night shifts I can't even go yumcha with my friends anymore. *sigh* What a pain... can't be helped I guess... one will often need to compromise and make sacrifices in one's life. What do you guys think? Should I take the job? I have till Wednesday to decide.

This Christmas...I sincerely wish that life would take a turn for the better. To everyone out there, may you have a blessed Christmas this year.

P.S Don't ask me for presents, I'm broke.