I think I've been thinking too much again...
People out there must be wondering, "is the irritatingly emo guy we thought was gone, back again?" When I think about it, perhaps I am letting my emotions getting the best of me again. I hate not understanding what's going on with myself and I hate feeling confused. I thought that I was rid of this side of me as well, but looks like it was just lurking beneath the surface and waiting for another sign of weakness from me.
I've been pondering about so many things, like is it right to continue to lie to myself and live in a house where I feel so constrained and restricted, where I have learned to subconsciously control the way I speak and act? I've been living like the hypocrites I hate and abhor, lying to myself all these years, and I've grown to despise myself because of this; nothing is worse than becoming something you hate.
Things have happened and they will continue to. Wonderful things have happened in my life, things I feel happy and comfortable with. And because I once again care about something in my life, I feel like I've once again been exposed to all the vulnerabilities that comes with it. I want to hold on to what I have and at the same time gradually gain more. I'm being greedy, unrealistic, and it makes me worry if I'll lose everything in the end instead.
I want to get away from some of these things. Especially a house that is no longer a home, a house where I no longer feel I belong to, a house where I have to live like the hypocrites I've come to despise. But I realize that moving out is not so simple and there's a lot to consider. For one, can I even take care of myself if I live on my on outside? Can I afford to? What will I be leaving behind should I move out from the house I've been living for the past 17 years? Most importantly though, are there anythings I can gain from moving out and if there are does it overweight whatever I've mentioned above? Frankly, I just dunno.
Love? A crush? Another infatuation? I still can't differentiate which of these I'm actually feeling for that girl. I think that I know what a crush is, a fleeting fancy. I believe that I know what an infatuation is and that I've gone past that stage. But really I can't be sure and I dunno if I qualify to date anyone with such half-assed feelings. What does she think about it anyway? I'm getting positive responses in my interaction with her, it's as if she's encouraging me to be more proactive about it and step things out. But then I realize that sometimes she can be so blissfully clueless (I find that cute in a way), so again I dunno what to make of it.
Things must not continue like this. Not anymore. I'm going to talk to my parents about moving out and I will see what they think and what input I can get from them. I want to try to be independant and I believe I also have solid reasons of moving out. But I need someone to clear whatever doubts that I have, to convince me to opt for moving out or not with solid and logical explanations. Humpty dumpty needs someone to push him over either one side of the fence.
For her, I've decided. A time will come when the time is right and I believe it'll be soon. When that time comes, I've decided that I'll say what's on my mind. I'll hopefully get a yes or a no. Either way I'll at least have an answer.
Being emotional is so stupid sometimes and really...it's time to stop.