Ever Present Curiosity

I like to stone.

Monday, November 17, 2008

I think I've been thinking too much again...

People out there must be wondering, "is the irritatingly emo guy we thought was gone, back again?" When I think about it, perhaps I am letting my emotions getting the best of me again. I hate not understanding what's going on with myself and I hate feeling confused. I thought that I was rid of this side of me as well, but looks like it was just lurking beneath the surface and waiting for another sign of weakness from me.

I've been pondering about so many things, like is it right to continue to lie to myself and live in a house where I feel so constrained and restricted, where I have learned to subconsciously control the way I speak and act? I've been living like the hypocrites I hate and abhor, lying to myself all these years, and I've grown to despise myself because of this; nothing is worse than becoming something you hate.

Things have happened and they will continue to. Wonderful things have happened in my life, things I feel happy and comfortable with. And because I once again care about something in my life, I feel like I've once again been exposed to all the vulnerabilities that comes with it. I want to hold on to what I have and at the same time gradually gain more. I'm being greedy, unrealistic, and it makes me worry if I'll lose everything in the end instead.

I want to get away from some of these things. Especially a house that is no longer a home, a house where I no longer feel I belong to, a house where I have to live like the hypocrites I've come to despise. But I realize that moving out is not so simple and there's a lot to consider. For one, can I even take care of myself if I live on my on outside? Can I afford to? What will I be leaving behind should I move out from the house I've been living for the past 17 years? Most importantly though, are there anythings I can gain from moving out and if there are does it overweight whatever I've mentioned above? Frankly, I just dunno.

Love? A crush? Another infatuation? I still can't differentiate which of these I'm actually feeling for that girl. I think that I know what a crush is, a fleeting fancy. I believe that I know what an infatuation is and that I've gone past that stage. But really I can't be sure and I dunno if I qualify to date anyone with such half-assed feelings. What does she think about it anyway? I'm getting positive responses in my interaction with her, it's as if she's encouraging me to be more proactive about it and step things out. But then I realize that sometimes she can be so blissfully clueless (I find that cute in a way), so again I dunno what to make of it.

Things must not continue like this. Not anymore. I'm going to talk to my parents about moving out and I will see what they think and what input I can get from them. I want to try to be independant and I believe I also have solid reasons of moving out. But I need someone to clear whatever doubts that I have, to convince me to opt for moving out or not with solid and logical explanations. Humpty dumpty needs someone to push him over either one side of the fence.

For her, I've decided. A time will come when the time is right and I believe it'll be soon. When that time comes, I've decided that I'll say what's on my mind. I'll hopefully get a yes or a no. Either way I'll at least have an answer.

Being emotional is so stupid sometimes and really...it's time to stop.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Tension+frustration+boredom=not very happy blogger

You know people often say how personal opinions are just that, personal? Don't mind me, that just came out of nowhere. If there's one thing that people who read my blog regularly would know, it's that I tend to just type whatever comes to mind, which is why I don't normally bother with post titles. Since they end up not relating to the contents of the post anyway. *rolls eyes*

Anyway I've been getting really tensed up and often very emo nowadays, due to many reasons. One of them being the MLM people being very active again nowadays thanks to the impending economic recession. They seem to think that MLM will save their asses and give them a good life. Heck who doesn't want a comfortable life or don't want extra money? I sure do. But I can guarantee that as nice as the MLM people make it sound, it's just NOWHERE near as easy as they try to convince it to be. After having this same classmate suddenly call me up so often for the past few weeks, I gave up and decided to give him some time, thinking it was just some banking crap cuz he works for one. Damn I wish I never gave him the chance. Lesson learnt, never give any time to someone who you really don't know all that well but suddenly calls you up all the time to meet up for "yumcha". A bit too late though and I'm struggling to get him off my back. Darn persistence roaches.

The other is something that has been confusing me for the past few weeks. There's this girl I've been trying to court and for some reason I just dunno what to make of it right now. I'm not getting any hints that she got my hints so I get real tensed. Yes, I'm afraid that I might get rejected, but at least I want to know if I'm getting a positive response or not. However, she's not avoiding me or anything and seems to talk to me more, which really just makes me all the more anxious. What is going on in her mind? What does she feel about me? Does she even realize this dorky geek is trying to capture her heart? Dammit! Give me a bat now so I can beat myself senseless! At least I won't have to suffer this...this...uncertainty, this anxiety.

Rejection after rejection had actually conditioned me to not hope or expect too much from it. Yes, I know that's a very negative way of thinking. But it's just the way I had managed to get back on my feet after all of them. You'd feel just as shitty when the girl you like tells you that you have no "redeeming features". WTF do you think I am? An iPod? I guess it was just the wrong time to go for girls, since at that time all those airheads could think of is Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom. And unfortunately that became a benchmark for them.

Putting that aside, here I get the girl giving off what I think are subtle hints every now and then. Going back to the beginning of this post, it could very well just be my opinion, my viewpoint; or if you want to be mean, me being "perasan". She talks to me more often and we do have a lot of common interests. Then sometimes our eyes may meet and I get the feeling that she's smiling ever so faintly. Maybe again I'm just being perasan, or she's silently laughing at my pitiful attempts at courting her; I just don't know anymore.

I've always said that, life never gets easier, it only gets harder. And now I can safely tell you that life can also become so complicated and confusing, that I now understand why people just can't take it anymore.

Life, is just so full of shit.