Growing pains

Were there ever times when you think you've stop growing? I'd like to think we never stop growing, though I certainly believe thats not always the case. Physical changes and growth take place the most during teenage years, and sometimes you hope you stop growing taller so people will stop calling you abnormal/beanstalk/whatever.

Then after your teenage years, you get your first taste of the society as you venture out of the comforts of secondary school life into tertiary education or even the work force for some. Thats the period of time I find most people experience mental growth. Its still growth, just a different type. Some people cope, but others struggle to fit in to a society they are totally not prepared to experience. I think I kind of fell into the latter group, before I started coming to grips with the things that can happen around me. I guess you could say I coped eventually, but whenever I think back I always hope that it have been earlier.

Things you learn first and for most is not to take many things at face value. To be honest the classmates we often have, we don't spend as much time around them as we do with our classmates back in school. I guess some don't find it a problem, and bond with some people really quickly, but that's not always the case for others. I started out in INTI Subang, and things were definitely not the way I thought it would be.

To be honest, I didn't form any expectations for myself. I didn't choose to be in engineering but yet because I wanted to please my parents I took it up anyway. It was tough all the way and I found that not only am I not able to cope with it, I couldn't be bothered to try harder because of my lack of interest in it. Like I said in a previous post a month or so ago, I believe that I should have took my time before venturing into tertiary education. My parents lacked qualifications of their own, and thus could never go very high in their work. I believe that was the reason why they always pushed me to study and to take up the better courses available for a better future.

Unfortunately, I'll always been rather stubborn and willful. I believed that the future is what you make of it, and if I have yet to decide what to do with it, then I'm definitely not ready to face the future. Of course back then I didn't even understand myself, all it really was "I don't like engineering but if you ask me I don't know what I want to do either". So for the sake of keeping my parents happy, I made a couple of decisions I live to regret today.

I always think what would have happened, if I were to find something I really like (which I believe now to be writing). Would I have excelled? Or my lack of effort will see me get only mediocre results despite my interest? I've never been academically sold, so I don't know. My parents used to complain that I have above average intelligence, but don't have the attitude for it. I guess I admit I can be really lazy, I scraped through many government papers with a lot less effort than most, and still got acceptable results for all of them. Incidentally, I got 3As for UPSR, PMR, and also SPM.

I never studied for UPSR at all, back then I couldn't be bothered in the slightest because I was comfortable where I was. Honestly back then, studying didn't feel necessary. If I was in a government school it would have been 3As out of 5 with the other 2 being Bs. So my mandarin was never good, I don't really care though as long as I can communicate well enough in it.

For my PMR, I only started studying one month before the actual exams started. It was more or less the same then except my parents were constantly nagging at me to study so I did.

SPM came and I started to feel a bit tensed but not enough to panic though. Of course my parents were even more worried about it than me, so I took tuition and seminars that didn't really help a whole lot. To be honest the As I got were all thanks to the excellent teachers who were teaching the particular subject, except for English, which I was always good at (I wouldn't claim to be the best though).

People around me always tell me I could do better, and maybe they were right but I could never bring myself to be interested or motivated in excelling academically.

I worry now though, reality is harsh and jobs aren't that easy to find. The scary thing is I will be entering the work force (hopefully) around early next year.

Actually I kinda deviated from what I wanted to talk about today. About growing pains, people say as you get older you started getting all kinds of sickness. For the past few years I've been having headaches consistently almost as often as once or twice a week. Sometimes its mild, sometimes it feels like my head is about to split. The latter was the case this morning, as I found out we ran out of aspirin. I slept through most of it but only for 3hours plus before it got worse. I woke up and wanted to go buy some from 7-11, but my aunt's car was blocking the exit and she was washing clothes and stuff so I didn't want to bother her. I went back to sleep and endured for another hour or so then I went and get some around 12pm. Took 2 tablets and went back to sleep, not waking up till 3pm.

Now I'm awake, but somehow feeling weak. My arms and fingers are slightly trembling, and I feel very hot. Are these symptoms or migraine? I hope not...So means for once, I slept almost 12 hours, and only because I was sick. Actually I still am, but at least my head's not throbbing anymore. So anyway, does anyone have such problems? Some people are telling me its because of my sleeping habits, but it can't be help. I wouldn't be able to sleep if I tried to, its just how I am now. I don't get tired till its early in the morning, so if I tried to sleep any earlier I'll just be wasting time being wide awake in bed.

Nevertheless I have to try to change that once I start working...won't do to be snoozing off during work. I hope my health is not getting bad or anything...sometimes it feels like my blood pressure is a bit low too and that can't be good. Well..I think I'll rest and relax a bit and work on my FYP tonight if I get better.